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who's who
train managers, barriermen and
the BTP
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| COMMUTER SURVIVAL: two British Transport Police using your taxes to check bicycle locks |
British Transport Police
The British Transport Police are the national police force for the railways. There
are just under 3,000 officers. They're responsible for the whole of the national rail network, the London Underground,
Eurostar, the Docklands Light Railway, the Midland Metro Tram System, Croydon Tram link, plus a few other bits and pieces
like the Glasgow subway (good luck there guys).
Sometimes you'll see them on London
stations all dressed up like Rambo with impressive guns, handcuffs and baseball bat-type things with which
to hit people. I've travelled around on the railways for decades and never have I once seen a person arrested or seen
a British Transport Policeman on a train. They prefer to hang around on station platforms near the coffee machine and half
decent toilets. But they do conduct cycle surgeries and other things to make sure you aren't a victim of theft, with lessons
on how to make sure your bicycle lock works. Aaah bless.
Crime is actually falling on the rail network so they
must be doing something right. Actually that's probably not true. We're all so ground down by commuting that no one
can bothered to nick anything.
When you look around British Transport Policemen appear reasonably jolly and often
a bit on the porky side. Too many pies in the staff restroom probably and perhaps they could work on being a bit fitter and
slimmer in case they really do have to arrest someone. Although if you think about it they don't have to run much. If
someone is naughty on a train they only have 6 carriages (or whatever) to travel along (max)and even then their prey aren't
really going anywhere until the next stop. No need to get all Cagney and Lacey, might as well saunter along to B carriage
instead as they're most likely to be hiding in the toilet.
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| COMMUTER SURVIVAL: enforcers think they're Arnie and have the same command of the English language |
Train driver
Train drivers on over ground trains are rarely heard. It's the Train Manager's job to make long, over
loud and inane announcements. This is different on the London Underground and on the trams as the train driver is also in
complete charge of the train. Occasionally there's some real humour attached to a train driver tube announcement, mainly
because they've reached the end of their tether and given up the will to live. Staff on the London Underground in particular
seem to have a strong desire to broadcast career threatening comments.
Here's some actual tube train announcements
that clearly weren't part of the official training (as listed on 'The Quacks of Life' blog and others) :
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get
home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound
and go in the opposite direction".
"Step
right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately towels are not provided".
"Please move all baggage away from the doors (pause..)
Please move ALL belongings away from the doors . . . (Pause). This is a personal message to the man
in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put the pie down four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away
from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways".
"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly
no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it
'round the rest of the carriage".
"Welcome to the Waterloo and City line. Sights to observe on the
journey are, to your right, black walls and to your left, black walls. We will shortly be arriving at Waterloo where this
train will terminate. We would like to offer you a glass of champagne on arrival and you will notice the platform will be
lined with lap dancers for your entertainment."
"Mind
the doors and the gap. . . (Pause). For the second time mind the doors. Yes you, the woman in the long brown
coat, love. I suggest you should shave your legs in future, it'll stop the hairs getting caught in the doors."
"All stations to Upminster with the exception of Cannon Street, which does not stop there on
Saturdays due to . . . (Pause) . . . total lack of interest."
"Welcome aboard the Flintstones railway,
once I get my feet on the floor and start running we should be on our way."
Barrierman
Obviously
the barrier people aren't always men, sometimes they're women, but they all have the same attitude which is one of
crushing boredom and lack of interest. Mind you there's not a lot to do. If you're unaware of the job requirements,
you stand at the barrier and if someone's ticket doesn't work properly you put your ticket in instead and let them
through. Surely there are other responsibilities? No. That's it. Occasionally you may get asked if this line goes to Wolverhampton,
but you're supposed to ignore members of the public, point to the ticket office
and not answer any questions. You do get a uniform though.
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| COMMUTER GUIDE: this is not what a train manager looks like |
Train manager
The Train Manager used to be the ticket
bloke (or woman). Basically they had to just check if you had a ticket, but not anymore it's so much more complicated
and difficult now. If you're a barrierman with ambition, this is a real step up.
If you apply for one of these
roles, officially you will be responsible for "bringing everything and everyone on board together. It’s an exceptionally
varied and busy job, not only encompassing ticket checking and selling, but also providing information and assistance.
And, as you’d expect, it’s a safety critical role. Amongst other things, this means you’ll be responsible
for checking that doors are shut properly (and) walkways are clear."
Enough said. What
else could you possibly do with A-Levels in food technology and PE? You're not going to be a doctor with
that.
To spot the train manager types click here.
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stuff to keep you entertained on the daily commute
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| COMMUTER SURVIVAL: beauty without brains |
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| COMMUTER SURVIVAL: three men in a toilet |
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