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out the train window
trainspotters, graffiti and flashers
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| COMMUTER SURVIVAL: wednesday 8:10am |
Finally, a few tips on what to look out for during
your trip if staring out of the window is your cup of tea.
Men who
stare at trains
They're a declining breed but you'll still be able to catch
the odd trainspotter standing at the end of a platform in the pouring rain, waiting for the Inverness Sleeper to thunder through
Milton Keynes. They're almost exclusively men who are 40 years old or more - no woman has ever been seen trainspotting
as they have better things to do. Essentially these guys gather on station platforms in all weathers and wearing bobbly bobble
hats they note the make, model and characteristics of each train that passes on a spiral bound pad, or tick off their numbers.
They always use a pencil because pens can run out just at the point when you need to write down a very important observation.
Sometimes they even video the whole exciting experience and they may have a pair of binoculars.
They wear an anorak
obviously, usually blue, padded, and with lots of pockets for flasks, notebooks, pencils, other pencils and more pencils.
In fact their hobby is so associated with their coats, they've been nicknamed 'anoraks', which is now used as
a derogatory term meaning the anally retentive accumulation of miniscule, arcane, and quite often useless bits of information
by socially defective men.
It's very likely that these guys have never or will never be married, and a future
girlfriend might be too much to hope for. The anorak and lack of social skills is a put off, but they also have an unfortunate,
slightly paedophilic look. Nothing could be further than the truth, but the authorities believe they do "pose a security
risk" but for a different reason. Even though they're usually called Roger or Brian and are classic pale white English
men with fat bellies and skinny legs, they've recently been discouraged from standing at the end of platforms as they
could be fundamentalist Muslim suicide bombers. Matt Damon in one of the Bourne films did kill somebody with a pencil and
a rolled up magazine, so I suppose it's statistically possible.
Motorways
Trains get delayed, they're
smelly and packed to the rafters, but nothing is so gratifying as whizzing past cars stacked up on the motorway. If the train
is close enough (obviously not if it's come off the rails and is just about to crash into the road), try to eyeball one
of the drivers and look as smug as you can.
Back gardens If
you're a regular reader of Hello! or Closer magazine because you like to sneer at people who have no taste when it comes
to their home, much entertainment can be had by looking into people's back gardens as you pass by. In all honesty this
appeals more to women than men. In a sweeping generalisation of which I'm so fond, basically men want to assert their
authority in a symbolic physical chest beating display when on a train. This is manifested by loud talking on phones, showing
their technical prowess on a laptop, territorial space hugging, bragging about business etc etc. This is aimed at other men
but also to preen in front of women - the equivalent of one of those monkeys showing off their labia pink bottoms in your
eye line.
Meanwhile women know they
have a natural authority and more emotional intelligence than men, and mostly it's best not to mention it or you'd
never get married. But when it comes to other women they prefer to find evidence of their superiority by their fellow female's
choice of lampshade. Again, nothing is ever said, but constant assessment of superior social status is an ongoing brain activity,
and this confers its own secret satisfaction of authority. Assessing back gardens can therefore fulfil this primeval need.
Things to look out for include:
• shrubbery selection
• conservatory design
• number of weeds
• whether
children's playthings have come from Selfridges or ToysRUs
• quality of garden furniture
• petrol
driven or hand pushed lawnmower
• choice of patio stone
Industrial estates Many industrial estates back onto the railways and there's always something going off. Lorries being unloaded,
workmen mending machines, cranes picking things up, fights in the car park because someone's car is blocked in and reps
arriving to see the general manager with their briefcases full of carpet tile samples. My personal favourite is the KwikFit
fitters sitting on walls smoking, when they know a car owner is in reception waiting patiently for a new tyre.
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| COMMUTER GUIDE: thursday 5:40pm |
Balconies
It's been fashionable in the last decade to build 'city living'
apartment blocks often near railway lines with wooden floors, white interior walls and sliding glass doors leading out onto
a two foot wide balcony. This trend in creating demand for new build funky apartments is none other than an amazing marketing
miracle - better even than persuading people that cottage cheese is a foodstuff. In the 1960s and 70s tower blocks, as they
were known then, were universally derided as being an inhumane way for the council to shove as many poor people into as small
a living space as possible.
Now young aspiring professionals buy or rent these small boxes out of choice. Except this time they don't
even have a separate kitchen, as it's been put in the living room along with the settee and flat screen tele as an open
plan 'design feature'. Genius. There's no cupboard space as this would spoil the 'lines' of the living
room and what with no hallway either, this means that a good deal of the occupants' belongings are on the balcony. Look
out for bicycles, barbecue sets, bits of furniture that just don't 'go' with the new coffee table, sports equipment
and an engine from a cherished first motorbike (girlfriend won't have it inside). For single people or couples with
no belongings there'll be well tended flower baskets. Fully loaded washing lines are also a source of interest although
these are usually banned by the tenant's contract.
Bedroom windows
If you're a dedicated commuting window gazer of some years, you still have 20 20
vision and are patient, you'll be amazed what you can glimpse through bedroom windows when an occupant has forgotten to
close the curtains. Sometimes you'll wonder "did I really just see that?"
Railway stations
There's nothing like a bit of people watching
at travel hubs. Whether it's bus terminals, railway stations or airports. It's amazing that human beings can vary
so much in width and height and by colour and shape given that we all share exactly the same skeleton. That's before you
even consider the sheer range of clothing options and headwear.
Network Rail workers
When they say a train is cancelled or delayed or re-routed due to "engineering works", this means
that some Network Rail blokes are out on the tracks fiddling about. You can see them with their high visibility jackets and
workman boots. They never work alone, in fact they never work in pairs either but by the dozen. This is due to health and
safety. In the old days it was assumed that a man who could do a bit of engineering, would probably be able to work out when
a train was coming and get out of the way. Now there has to be a man up front who warns them, a man who stands with them to
make sure they've heard the man who's warned them, a standby man in case the man who's warned them falls asleep
or goes for a slash. Then there's the supervisor who makes sure they're doing what they're supposed to, an apprentice
who's supposed to learn things by watching and a more elderly one who's in charge of tea and butties. It all smacks
of the familiar 'how many workmen does it take to change a light bulb?" Which reminds me of that politically incorrect
joke . . . Question: How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Potatoes.
Wind turbines
Wind turbines are in turn elegant, sculptural additions to the landscape and ugly industrial blemishes. But
whichever mood you're in - loving them one day or hating them the next, they're definitely fascinating. Gliding past
on a train shows their huge alien dimensions and the way they catch the light is endlessly fascinating. The same goes for
those huge power stations with big chimneys. A visual distraction for all of two minutes.
Flashers
Flashing is another old fashioned pastime in decline given the rise of internet
pornography, but you can still catch some hardy types with their todger out as a train goes past. If this type of thing brightens
your commute and you pass by Clapham Common junction on a regular basis, a dedicated flasher is often on duty there so keep
your eyes peeled.
Counting cows
Well, it can make the time go quicker
and is less nerdy than counting Eddie Stobart lorries.
Graffiti spotting
Graffiti
causes millions of pounds worth of damage and makes our urban landscape look run down and unwanted. It's not a good introduction
to foreign visitors either, as they arrive into St Pancras, Liverpool Street or Paddington expecting to see The Queen or at
least Helen Mirren, but instead confronted with thousands of boring tags endlessly repeated. The problem with most graffiti
is the standard of artwork is awful. Clearly most of them haven't been to art college. However occasionally, if you're
bored of your book or newspaper and look hard, you will eventually come across something witty, intelligent or just plain
weird:
• Nuclear energy fades your genes
• Man fun. Tuesdays 3pm. Wear Speedos. No gingers.
• Give peas a chance
• iPods are Gaylords
• Big Dave's gusset
• I
used to be ADHD but oh look a butterfly
• Just because you have a library card doesn't make you Yoda
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stuff to keep you entertained on the daily commute
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| COMMUTER SURVIVAL: leaving home - that kid needs a slap! |
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| COMMUTER SURVIVAL: typical bloke! |
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