Overground trains
Overground trains are obviously the ones that travel on top of the ground which means you can generally see the sky as you travel into work. You may think there are different style trains around the country given the number of TOCs, but this is not true. They're mostly decades old, smell stale, have the same window lay-out and narrow aisles but differ slightly by seat combination and colour.

The fabric used to cover train seats are designed by the same people that make premiership football shirts - they're forever rooted in the 1970s along with Cilla Black's hair. They favour very bright colours using funky patternation. Toilets are lamentable whatever style train. They're simply an occupational hazard and only to be used in an emergency.

The only exception to the standard train is the new hi speed service. If you have a choice, which you probably haven't, the new 'javelin' style trains operating from the Kent coast to St Pancras are comparative commuter nirvana. The trains on the line from Ashford International into London reach 140mph using new-fangled (to us) purpose built overhead lines and newly dug tunnels. It used to take an hour and a half, now it's just 37 minutes. New seats, new doors, new toilets, new luggage racks, new carpets, new everything including air conditioning. The staff are enthusiastic and so far you're almost guaranteed a seat. On balance this is probably the best commuter experience you're likely to get, except for two significant drawbacks:
a) they're so thrilled with their efficient aircon that it's zealously set to Arctic levels at all times
b) you'll need a second mortgage to buy a season ticket

Survival tips
When on the javelin trains wear thermal underpants and vest even in August but you'll need to remove these when you step onto the underground or you will die of prickly heat.

Carefully calculate the cost of a season ticket when going for a new job. That pay rise may not go as far as you think.

Don't wear anything that will clash with the awful seat fabric - you could cause nausea among other passengers as your clothes strobe weirdly in the light.

The tube
The London Underground is more usually known as 'the tube' and is the subject of the famous game with no apparent rules - 'Mornington Crescent'. There are 260 stations stretching from Cockfosters to the north of London and West Croydon to the south covering around 250 miles. All the trains are more or less the same style - red outside and dirty inside with the exception of the Docklands Light Railway which is distinguished by the fact that they have no drivers - it's all automated, which is a bit spooky.

The well known central London stop offs include Tottenham Court Road and Oxford Circus, but there are numerous lesser known stations with fabulous names such as Mudchute, Gospel Oak, Haggerston, Upney, Fairlop, Harringay Green Lanes and Theydon Bois.

London Transport lists a number of interesting facts about the underground:

• There are around 4,000 carriages and each tube train travels on average 76,800 miles - no wonder they break down every so often
• There are over a billion passenger journeys each year - that's why it's so stacked
• There are 422 escalators, 23 of which are at Waterloo

The trains are fabulously hot from May to October and reach Sahara levels in July and August. Sweat levels are high and oxygen is short.

Survival tips
If there is room to carry a bottle of water with you, it's highly advisable. It saves chronic dehydration and will ensure you aren't among the increasing number of passengers who pass out during the height of summer. If you do lose consciousness you may not actually fall over until Tooting Broadway, as you'll be wedged between dozens of standing bodies until that point. If you pass out while seated everyone will assume you have fallen into a Class B drug or alcohol fuelled sleep and won't disturb you. If this happens on the Circle line you could remain there for a number of days. 

The trams
There are some other tram systems across the UK which travel over ground but have a 'tube' like feel. You usually only find these in major cities like Manchester and Newcastle. They're as packed as any tube train in the rush hour, but aren't quite as claustrophobic because there are more windows and they mostly run above ground. The window effect helps lift the mood, and if you sit at the front you can see the back of the driver's head and watch him push the complicated array of three buttons and see him wave at other tram drivers. Veritable excitement compared to most commuter journeys.

The obvious drawback is you can also see quite clearly when he has run someone over, which is surprisingly frequent especially in Manchester where the tram fights for road space with cars, the world's largest number of buses per square foot, and pedestrians. 

Survival tips
Always sit at the back of a tram thereby missing the sudden appearance of any blood or internal organs on the front windows as yet another pedestrian is run over.

First and second class
If you can book far enough in advance - say a month or so - bizarrely you can sometimes travel cheaper in first class than second. No one knows why this is. When you get to a few days before travel this anomaly completely disappears. In fact at this point, it's perfectly feasible that a first class train ticket can be as expensive as chartering a private jet. Naturally your chances of getting a decent commuter deal (i.e. rush hour timings) for first class is extremely rare. No ignore that, it's actually impossible.  

If you can afford it, you'll get the comfort of extra legroom, wildly intermittent wi-fi, guarantee of a power socket and marginally less weird people. Recently there was a bit of a kerfuffle from MPs who suddenly weren't allowed to travel first class anymore, except in exceptional circumstances. Whatever they are. An emergency dash to vote on a dog licensing bill? Nicholas Winterton, MP for Macclesfield who has always been famous for his empathy with the ordinary people he represents and who pay his salary, summed it up neatly:

"If I was in standard-class, I would not do work because people would be looking over your shoulder the entire time, there would be noise, there would be distraction. They (standard-class passengers) are a totally different type of people - they have a different outlook on life. They may be reading a book but I doubt whether they're undertaking serious work or study, reading reports or amending reports that MPs do when they travel."

Makes us working types who actually have real jobs that contribute to the economy (and who incidentally earn more than Mr Winterton) feel very sympathetic. Wanker.

Survival tips

You'll need to book at least two weeks in advance if you want to secure any decent deals in first class. However, if you commute regularly in second class you'll realise that standard passengers are not a different breed as described by Mr. Winterton. They're just hardworking types like you and me, with less disposable income than we would like.