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the system
the Train Operating Companies
and Network Rail ___________________________________________________________________________________
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| COMMUTER SURVIVAL: spot the train operating company |
The train operating companies (TOCs)
The TOCs are generally granted 'franchises' to run trains along routes agreed with the Department
of Transport. There are 24 all together and you can go on the web and see which companies operate along the given routes.
Before you attempt to regularly travel on any of these, mull over the following and please note that the coveted title of
'most overcrowded train in the country' goes to the 7.42am from Reading to
London Paddington. For half an hour 300 odd passengers are forced to cram into passageways and lobbies as the 533 seats are
completely full:
Arriva Trains
Arriva operates in Wales, including the routes from South Wales up to Birmingham and Manchester.
Some services are world famous for their overcrowding, the one from Telford to Birmingham is dubbed the 'sardine express',
not just by passengers but by train drivers too. Just to give you a hint about the service, Arriva Trains has received five
times the level of formal complaints compared to the TOC average. Don't use the commuter routes
unless you have your own breathing apparatus.
East Coast
The East Coast line runs from King's Cross to the East Midlands
and up to the North of England. Renowned for the lateness of its trains, expect to make it to your destination only 4 out
of 5 journeys in the midst of winter. Only attempt commuting if your employer offers flexi-time.
First Capital Connect
First Capital
Connect runs from Bedford through London to Brighton. The experiences of commuters on the Thameslink service (run by First
Capital Connect) are pretty much recognised as the worst in commuter land. There is a website called IHateThamesLink where
its customers post up their most recent horror stories through words and videos. You could possibly get used to the lateness,
overcrowding and poor conditions, but don't ever get on busting for a wee - there's
often no water in the toilets so flushing is a luxury.
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| COMMUTER GUIDE: commuting in the rain - always a pleasure |
First Great Western
No
one is quite sure what Western are first at, and they're certainly not great. Probably a marketing man's ironic attempt
at branding. They run from Paddington westwards to South Wales and the West Country. Often the worst thing about getting on
a First Great Western train, is parking at the station. it's not just that you can't find a space and have horrendous
problems with their mobile phone payment system, but you get ripped off beyond belief (the cost of parking at Oxford station
is £1,200 a year!). Consider this when making calculations for your annual travel bill, it can add 25% to the overall
cost.
Southern
Railway
Southern Railway does London to Surrey and most of Sussex. Famed for its rude staff and specialising
in blocked toilets. If you want to be treated like a Fawlty Towers guest, this is the operating company
for you.
Southeastern
Southeastern operate from London to Kent and a bit of Sussex. The old trains on this service are renowned
for being particularly smelly. Get on in the evening and the waft of stale sweat, decayed fast food,
beer stained seats and Monster Munch is overpowering. Try not to visit or sit near the toilets either, they
consistently emit a strong whiff of man tramp's urine. No woman can make a small that disgusting.
Southeastern
is also notorious for cancelling trains or removing them from the timetable altogether. Why do they do this on such a regular
basis? Aha. Well, if 18% of their trains are more than five minutes late, they have to pay commuters 5% compensation on their
season ticket price. In 2011 they calculated that 17.96% of trains were on time. Coincidence? Clever? No, they cancelled precisely
the right number of trains to get them inside their target because cancelled trains don't count towards tardiness. Of
course, this is unethical and borderline criminal, but that's the reality so only use this route if you have an option
to work once a week at home.
STOP PRESS - it's rumoured that they're going to start reimbursing season
ticket holders for trains that are more than half an hour late. Can this be true?
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| COMMUTER GUIDE: we love Virgin Trains |
South West Trains
South
West trains are most often seen at Waterloo and travel to Southampton through to the South West. On some routes South West
Trains have replaced their normal seats with skinny ones, so they can get five across instead of four, thus cramming in more
passengers. The seats are now just 18 inches wide with no arm rests. Currently commuters are rolling in the aisles, but not
because they're laughing. Makes EasyJet look like the Queen's Flight. Basically
don't travel between Portsmouth and London if you have elbows.
Virgin Trains
Virgin Trains run
between Glasgow, NW England, Birmingham and London. Richard Branson's original idea was for a TOC composed of funky looking
trains and smart looking staff, emulating the feel and ideals of old fashioned air travel. Why? No one knows. It's ended
up as a parody of itself. Everything is designed to look good but is so often impractical or downright awful on closer inspection. A bit like Naomi Campbell - they look good from a distance outside but are very nasty on the inside. Although
they must be the same width as any other train they're horrendously cramped when you get in.
The triumph
of external appearance versus practically is never more evident than in the loo area. The toilets are huge walk-in units and
are anything but bog standard. The lavatory seat is adjacent to the wide sweeping arc of the door. The lock for the door is
not on the door itself, as it is in every other latrine design known to man, instead it's on the far wall. In fact it's
as far away from the seat and the door as you can get.
When using the loo you have to understand the complicated
toilet locking system (if you've managed to find it), or you're destined to be publicly humiliated and embarrassed.
Not nice, especially if you're elderly, disabled or a chronically self-conscious teenager. There are three buttons - one
to close the door, another (crucially) to lock it, and a third to open and unlock it. However, if you have missed the console
with the three buttons, the door will thoughtfully close for you unassisted. Sounds OK so far.
But what most virgin
Virgin toilet users don't realise is they have to press the button to close the door, and then press another to lock it.
Why should you know this, it's not obvious? So the unsuspecting person drops
their underwear and sits down, only for the door to automatically open
when they have settled into position. The mechanism, no doubt designed with health and safety advice, is programmed to automatically
open a good few seconds after it has closed if the lock button hasn't been pressed.
Not only can everyone
in the carriage or waiting outside get an unhindered view of the person perched on the bog as the wide door arcs to the open
position, the only way to reach the close button is to stagger a few feet (with your knickers around your ankles) to the far
wall, to close it again.
Survival
tips
Don't go Virgin if you struggle with counter-intuitive design or you're drunk - you'll
never ever get the hang of the toilet system.
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stuff to keep you entertained on the daily commute
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| COMMUTER SURVIVAL: "Jesus Christ!" Fenton the dog on the loose |
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| COMMUTER SURVIVAL: visiting perah on one's gap yah, yah |
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Network rail
Network Rail looks after the railway tracks, the signals, railway bridges, tunnels and
level crossings. Anything that goes wrong with these is their fault, not the train operating company (TOC). So whilst it's
immensely tempting to give the train manager a load of grief over a late train because a signal has
gone Frank Spencer, it's nothing to do with him or his employer. We should all make our feelings known
to Network Rail.
For some historical reason Network Rail also manage 18 key stations including the hopelessly
depressing Birmingham New Street as well as Manchester Piccadilly and Liverpool Lime Street. As a commuter you may be interested
to know they also run the key London stations - Cannon Street, Charing Cross, Euston, Fenchurch Street, King's Cross,
Liverpool Street, London Bridge, Paddington, St Pancras, Victoria and Waterloo. So anything on the platforms or concourses
that you're not happy with - pigeons, litter, vagrants, graffiti, no one who can speak English (even in the ticket office),
ticket barriers not working etc. Network Rail is the culprit here too.
Random fact - apparently 148 million people
travel through Liverpool Street station every year, which is twice the number that pass through Heathrow. Blimey.
Survival tips
Problem
is, because Network Rail people are not generally seen by the public, they don't soak up the anger, resentment and verbal
abuse directed at TOC staff when there is a train problem. If you have a complaint about delays caused by signal failures,
engineering works and bridges collapsing, go on the Network Rail website and email your rant with gusto.
It won't get any better unless we all start legitimately logging our complaints.
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