Getting on the train
Nothing winds up a train company employee more, than people piling on before other passengers have had the chance to get off.  It annoys commuters too, but you just sort of get your elbows out and battle through. You need to banish any thoughts of hurting anyone else on your way out and get on with it, or you could be stuck on your train until the end of the line.

Survival tips
An old article in the Evening Standard weekly magazine by Andrew Martin claims that: "The correct amount of time to allot is one second. Thereafter, it is good etiquette to board the train, Tube or bus using only as much physical force as is absolutely necessary while quietly swearing." Just about sums it up.

Getting a seat
Knowing where to stand on the platform is the first important step to getting a good seat or any seat. Novice commuters or casual train users will stand anywhere on the platform. Wrong. You will watch empty carriages slide past and then be presented with a set of full carriages stuffed to the brim with human sardines. Watch and learn where to stand, experiment each morning until you have refined the optimum position and don't worry about being perceived as a creature of habit, it's worth it to sit for the whole journey rather than stand. Also, feeling smug all the way to work is a good way to start the day, better than Eggs Benedict with extra hollandaise.

Survival tips
When the train comes in and the doors open, it's everyone for themselves. You literally need to hurl yourself through the opening, have a very quick look around and then lunge forward to win one of the available seats. If you've lost out on the commuting equivalent of musical chairs without the music, you may still have a chance of sitting down for part of your journey so don't give up now. Stand in the aisle in the middle of the lines of seats rather than loitering around by the door. There'll be a bit more oxygen available and you won't be at the heart of the next battle at the following station. Also you're in prime position to grab a free seat when they become available. If you think someone looks like they might be organising themselves to leave - putting phone, book or newspaper away or shuffling just slightly forward in their seat - stand right in front of them to give yourself maximum advantage.

Luggage
You're not supposed to have any luggage on a commuter train. There's not enough room for people let alone a suitcase, so don't be selfish. Fill up your pockets and stuff things in your handbag instead.

Everyone secretly wants to stab non-commuter types who are stupid enough to make voluntary travel arrangements that mean they get on a train with luggage in the rush hour. Everyone knows that these people should join the post 9:30am trains which have been specifically put on for the bewildered or company chairmen. But recognised folk lore appears to have passed them by. The look of surprise on their face at the sheer hell of a crowded carriage at this time of the day, only deepens the hatred. Don't they know we go through this 47 weeks a year? It can lead to thoughts of grievous bodily harm if they also bring children with them, and actual bodily harm if that includes a pram with a baby in it.

Rucksacks have become seriously popular, even with men in suits. They probably have a macho street cred which the old fashioned briefcase has lost. The problem with rucksacks is that when worn in the proper manner as opposed to slung over one shoulder, the wearer has no concept that their body depth has doubled in size. They therefore wander around turning left and right, whilst vast swathes of people have been knocked to the ground in their wake. Rush hour rusksack wearers should be charged double on the tube or a law should be passed that makes it legal to shoot them (but only weekdays between the hours of 7am and 9am and 5pm to 7pm excluding bank holidays). What's in a commuter's rucksack anyway?

Survival tips
During the journey don't fiddle around for an extended period in your suitcase or especially your rucksack, without extracting anything immediately recognisable like a bag of Wotsits or a porno mag. Dig in, get what you need, pull it out quickly and then wave said item about for all to see. If you fail to master this, it is highly likely that your fellow passengers will believe you are a suicide bomber and a number will jump on your chest and attempt to knock your teeth out with a rolled up copy of the Metro. OK it may be embarrassing waving your January copy of Britain's Biggest Bazoomers around, but at least you'll escape injury.

Speaking
Commuters do not speak to each other ever. It's not allowed. If you do speak everyone will automatically think you're a nutter. Even if you see the same person every single day, you still don't talk. There could be an almost imperceptible nod of recognition or the faintest hint of a smile, but that's as far as it goes. That's the rules.
It's not that commuters don't want to speak to anyone it's just they fear they'll make an inadvertent 'friend' and will then have to spend the rest of their commuting decades either a) trying to avoid that person every single journey which is a huge effort and not particularly easy, or b) having to sit next to them and think of a protracted conversation topic every day until they retire or die. It's worse than being married, because you'll see more of this person than your spouse, it's just as stressful and crushingly dull, and divorce is not an option.

Survival tips
There are two notable exceptions to the speaking rule. First, you can speak to someone if they look normal to ask if they've finished with their free copy of Metro. Secondly, if there's a major delay on the train or it's cancelled, you can then converse with someone you recognise, explaining how terrible you find the whole situation with general mutterings about season ticket costs etc etc. But if you then see the same person the next day, no recognition that the previous interaction ever took place or any further conversation is allowed and you must revert to the usual rules.

Speaking on your mobile
Nothing engenders hate towards someone you've never met, more than them speaking on a mobile very loudly. Why this is necessary given the earpiece is right next to your ear and the mouth piece is right next to your mouth is difficult to discern. If mobiles were completely banned on any form of public transport, the NHS would save millions on stress-related disorders. It's the only positive aspect of going on the London Underground - there's no phone signal. All commuters would back a worldwide humanitarian appeal to scientific researchers, NOT to develop technology that makes this possible. I don't know who's in charge of these things, but I beg them, plead with them, anything, not to develop phones that work underground.

Speaking on your mobile with an earpiece
It used to be easy to detect if someone was mentally ill, they usually chunter away to themselves, gesticulating with the odd hand movement and breaking into a loud guffaw at odd intervals. Nowadays people who do this are mostly having a phone conversation through a microphone in an earpiece, and they truly believe it makes them look cool. Honest, they do. The rest of us just look at them wondering if it's the earpiece that makes them a twat, or they're a twat with an earpiece.

Survival tips
If you do remotely care about your fellow man, don't be a dick and speak loudly on a mobile phone. Nobody is impressed by what you have to say. Doesn't matter if you're the Chairman of Shell, a cabinet minister or a cardinal. In fact it just makes you look like you have no friends, no influence and no life. One thing is for sure though, everyone's working out if there is anything nearby that could be uncomfortably shoved up your rectum. Turn down the fog horn voice, be nice and talk softly. Practice at home in front of the mirror or something until you get the volume right. In fact save your conversations for when you're off the train. There should be a return to good old fashioned British manners. Imagine the scene - a carriage full of lovely people with all phones on silent. Excellent.

If you're a lovely person who speaks quietly, you will still need some survival tips, so if you ever see anyone using an earpiece, or worse, one of those Starship Enterprise type triangular things that you stick in your ear, give them a very wide berth. There's something seriously wrong with them.

Giving up your seat
If you thought that gentleman are still alive and well and riding on white charges rescuing damsels and giving up their seats on trains, you'll be sadly disappointed. When it comes to commuting it's every person for themselves regardless of age or gender. This includes fighting for a seat as soon as someone gets up to make their way to the doors. Seasoned commuters will watch for the slightest muscle twitch that hints of a passenger leaving their seat and will ready themselves.

Survival tips
It takes great skill to perfect the 'it's mine' stare and deftly move your body in, before the leaver has even fully stood up. Watch and learn the technique.

If you've been brought up properly and feel duty bound to give up your seat there are some helpful hints to consider. The person being offered a seat must look undeniably old and frail, disabled, blind or very very pregnant, otherwise they'll be mortally offended in front of a few dozen people and never forgive you. Be prepared for them to decline, they might not want you drawing attention to their frailty or disability. Occasionally, if they're a bit feisty they might decline using some highly descriptive Anglo Saxon vocabulary.

Falling asleep
It's very dangerous to fall into a deep sleep on a train. Pockets can be picked, handbags rummaged or stolen and then there's the distinct possibility of missing your stop. Stuff yourself with Red Bull for breakfast if you've had a very late night or slept badly, this'll give you such bad heart palpitations that you won't be able to sleep.
There are those people who just serenely close their eyes to block out the visual nightmare of commuting. This can make you look quite calm and statesman-like as long as your jaw is slightly pointing upwards. If your head is down on your chest, your chin will disappear into your neck and you'll look like the Michelin man. If you've the beginnings of jowl development, these will hang forward and make you look like a basset hound. The eyes closed, chin up position is very different from the deep sleep look. It's a fact of life that nobody looks good when deeply asleep, not even Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie.

Survival tips
If you do a regular commute and you notice someone performing the nodding head ritual, (head goes down, they start to snooze and then catch themselves and jerk awake), make a mental note of their face and make sure you never ever sit next to them in the future. It's happened to us all at least once, and you don't want to repeat it. When they fall deep into a slumber, they'll flop and most likely end up on your shoulder. Yuk. They may also drool and the worst offenders are stupendous snorers.

Some people are very polite about it and just try to wriggle over a bit and hope they wake up. Don't do this, it's not natural and anyhow it won't deter a serious sleeper. Elbow them sharply in the side and then act as if nothing happened. If you don't like violence, cough very loudly and attempt to wake them up that way, but it's not as satisfying.

Groping and fondling
When I was young and first travelled on the tube in the early 80s, middle-aged men sometimes saw this as an opportunity for a quick bottom fondle and in those days you just had to put up with it. If you think this is still the case you are sadly mistaken. 

Survival tips
Whether you're male or female, try not to gawp or dribble in summer when young people with perfect bodies stand very near you wearing next to nothing. If you're a heterosexual man keep your hands to yourself at all times, don't stare at breasts or bottoms overly long and try and concentrate on something else.

If you transgress, women these days will quite rightly shout obscenities at you or deliver a very loud put down. So if you're new to commuting in the UK and particularly if you're a 50 year old bloke from France, you're in for a shock. Beautiful young female commuters are feisty, earn their own money and are in control of their own lives. You're in for a humiliating ear bashing.

If you're a gay man or woman, bisexual, transgender or any derivation or combination of these, I'm sorry I don't know the etiquette in a commuter situation. You could possibly ask your Mum for guidance.

If you're a middle-aged woman and you yearn to feel the muscle-y taut thighs of a young man because it's a very long time since you felt anything muscle-y and taut, you may wish to lightly brush the muscles on show, but you can't really go for a serious grope. It's very sexist I know for older women to be able to get away with this, when men cannot, but life isn't fair. You can only do this under the following strict conditions however - you must look like a serious business woman, district nurse or dowdy librarian. Be wearing flat shoes and glasses, have a muffin top and be at least 45 years old. Only then can this covert activity take place but it has to be very crowded and so imperceptible it could be mistaken as being accidental.