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commuter survival tips
Train announcements, food, toilets,
complaints, dogs and other small animals, balance and ticket barriers _____________________________________________________________________________________________
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| COMMUTER SURVIVAL: train staff have their own language which is oft parodied 1 |
Train announcements
Train announcements drive every commuter insane and it's getting worse. They are set at the loudest possible volume
so that if asleep you'll be woken up, if in a conversation it will be impossible to continue, or if you've just had
the most marvellous insight to add to that tricky document you have to write it will vanish, forever destined to live in the
ether and not on your page. It seems even industrial earphones can't fully block them out. Not long ago, the driver or
train manager used to be quite happy keeping everyone in the dark over train delays and the services available on board. You
could be on a stationary train for a good hour or so, and have no clue as to the problem. This was a bit of a pain, not that
you could do much about it. But to everyone's dismay it seems they've now had communication training and give announcements
at every possible opportunity, most of which can be categorised as bleeding obvious.
Even a visitor from out of space
with chronic visual impairment would realise that there's no smoking on trains, that you need to stand behind the yellow
line, mind the gap and let passengers off first. All this finger wagging and that's before you get on the train, where
on your journey you will get the following information about once every two or three minutes:
"If you
are on the train and not intending to travel get off pronto, and your ticket is not valid if you bought it last Tuesday and
you want to travel at 9 minutes past the hour, and you can be fined £5,000 if you have the wrong one, and the train
manager is authorised to fine you, and if you don't have the right one you should leave the train now, and don't put
your luggage in the aisle, and please do not leave any items of luggage on the train or in the station or they will get blown
up by the bomb squad, and keep the seat next to you clear, and if you see something suspicious contact Z Cars, and you need
to be in the front four carriages if you want to get off at the next station, and you'll find the on board toilets in
carriage F and B, and if you want a plastic cup of insipid tea go to carriage D, and the first-class areas are for first-class
ticket holders only, and this station is monitored by 24-hour CCTV, and please ensure that you take all your belongings with
you when leaving the train, and take your litter home and we apologise in advance for any inconvenience caused . . ."
etc.
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| COMMUTER SURVIVAL: train staff have their own language which is oft parodied 2 |
Of course,
when that announcement has finished, Kylie in the train shop will pipe up. She'll let you know that the hot water is off
but nevertheless she has a range of hot and cold refreshments including the special of today which is a hot sausage sandwich
made with British pork. Obviously she'll fail to mention that the sausage is currently cold and will be whizzed in a minging
microwave, and the pork may be British but the meat is from pigs that haven't ever seen the light of day and have turned
to cannibalism in their concrete homes because they're so unhappy. You shouldn't let that worry you though as meat
only constitutes 28% of the whole, the rest being bits of gristle, water, additives, grain and pink colouring to hide its
natural colour wish is a shade of dirty grey.
But what is much, much worse is the curse of the 'apology'
communication. Admittedly, "we are sorry to announce that the train will be delayed by 15 minutes," is
a useful piece of information, but there is then a succession of endless apologies throughout the journey which makes every
commuter more stressed than the original annoyance of being late. These are mostly in the vein of "we are so sorry
that your train has been delayed and apologise for the inconvenience caused", followed a little bit later by "once
again, we are so sorry that your train has been delayed and apologise for the inconvenience caused", followed a
little bit later by "once again, we are so sorry that your train has been delayed and apologise for the inconvenience
caused", followed a little bit later by "once again, we are so sorry that your train has been delayed .
. . " Aaaaagh!
In addition, they're trained to use words which have never ever been used in conversation
by other human beings speaking English. Not even if they've learnt the language using a Berlitz Teach Yourself CD. Even
the grammar and tenses are otherworldly. The reason is a complete mystery. Why use the word alight? As in "take care
when alighting this service." Whoever says that in real life? Or "Frinton is the next station stop."
What is a station stop? When they mention "the vestibule areas". What are they? Have you used that word
at home, as in "don't smoke in the vestibule area, have a ciggie in the back garden if you don't mind."
I think not. But my favourite is "have a pleasant onward journey". What is onward? It even sounds strange.
Onward. It resembles the weird co-joining of two incongruous halves from another world that forms an improbable whole, like
Jedward.
Survival tips
The
only way to survive the stress induced by train announcements is to use an ipod to block out the noise. The downside is that
when there is a rare announcement that is informative e.g. "the train is on fire run like hell" or "this
train is not calling at (whatever) station today, get off at (wherever)", you've missed it and will either a)
burn to death or b) be late for work.
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stuff to keep you entertained on the daily commute
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