Make-up Woman is a born again Christian. Christian Dior that is. For some reason she never has time to put her make-up on before she leaves home, so has to do it on the train every single morning. This is despite the fact that it constantly joggles from side to side making the whole process incredibly difficult. She tends to layer it on thick because she looks like a horse, or at least a younger version of the Princess Royal or that bird Stacey with the Janet Street Porter voice from the X Factor. Her skin isn't very good, but her adept skills at make-up make a slightly silky purse out of a decidedly dodgy pig's ear.

To start with, the huge make-up bag will come out then the all important mirror, and on will go the foundation. This is followed by applying some eye liner (not easy on a train), then the mascara, eye shadow and lipstick. You may think that she's finished at last. But oh no. She goes over the foundation once more adds just a slight dab of blusher, then she checks her eyes again and finally a quick touch up of the lipstick, gurning as she does so. She'll then use the mirror to check everything in detail from every angle just in case the make-up isn't thick enough. The ability to do this in complete ignorance of her surroundings whilst never ever straying from looking at the mirror is a minor miracle. Sometimes she'll even decide that her eyebrows need plucking and in she'll go with the tweezers pulling out stray hairs with ruthless efficiency.

What she can't work out is why she's still single. She looks after herself, has her hair cut and coloured by professionals and always wears make-up. She even checks every five minutes to make sure no hair is out of place. Perhaps she's too choosy. It's not that she's desperate but she's in her mid-thirties now, and she can feel that her tits are beginning to sag. Perhaps she should go for a vajazzle in case she does get lucky.

How to spot Make-up Woman
Obviously she looks very horse like and as soon as she sits down she'll get out a huge make-up bag. You can't miss it. Apparently another defining feature is that Make-up Woman can only concentrate if her mouth is wide open throughout the whole process especially when putting on lipstick.

Survival tips
On a train Make-up Woman doesn't speak on a phone, play loud music or eat (it spoils the lipstick). If you don't have earphones she is a wonderfully quiet travelling companion and if you intend to close your eyes for the whole commute, you'll be fine. If you stay awake with eyes wide open during your journey, the constant activity and mirror preening will drive you crazy.