The Enthusiastic Cyclist only comes in male form. He loves his Brompton or Dahon foldaway bike. It never ceases to amaze him how all those bits and bobs fold away into a little package. He practices how to do the foldaway trick at home, so he can emerge from the train and assemble it with aplomb on the platform. I believe there may be a secret internet site where he can post his best times and compete against other Enthusiastic Cyclists.

How to spot an enthusiastic cyclist
He'll be carrying a foldaway bike obviously, but it's the lycra / legs combination that will strike you immediately. He'll have thinnish black hairy legs with pronounced calf muscles. He'll usually be wearing a pair of black lycra leggings to the knee with a padded bit for his saddle bottom. Alarmingly for fellow passengers the lycra exposes the shape of his lunchbox and outline of his buttocks as if they're being viewed through High Definition television. Luckily, for some reason, none of them have a huge Linford Christie-type package and the bum is not one you can imagine fondling. No one knows why Enthusiastic Cyclists should have a small meat and veg combination. Probably something to do with all that fevered pedalling.

This gentlemen tends to be post-35, with receding hair and he favours the wearing of a teardrop-shaped lattice cycling helmet in garish colours because in his head he's on a fantasy Tour de France every morning. Other accessories include a bright luminous yellow jacket or vest (orange is not de rigeur), a flashing light that goes on his helmet and apparently it's mandatory to wear short black socks. He'll be carrying a rucksack which contains very interesting and funky contents. Only joking. Probably just a couple of bits of fruit, a blister plaster, nerdy cycle accessories, shower gel and an Evian bottle filled with tap water from their kitchen sink in Sidcup.

Survival tips
It's a good idea to sit next to an Enthusiastic Cyclist. He never speaks (in a world of his own), doesn't fidget (too knackered from all that cycling), doesn't read broadsheet newspapers (can't fit them on the bike) and he doesn't have a cough or cold (healthier than the rest of us). Also he tends to be thin, so you get a bit of elbow room. However, if you're the sort of person who's eyes are strangely drawn to things that are repellent i.e. someone picking their nose, ladyboys in a hot tub, motorway carnage etc. then the lunchbox situation may be too much to bear. Don't worry though, there's no fear of violence if you stare at the offending area as he won't realise. He's completely oblivious to his appearance or other passengers, but fellow commuters will notice and consider you a grade one pervert.