Newspaper readers

An alternative way of trying to assess another passenger's general characteristics and whether they'll make a suitable travelling companion for the day, is to make some assumptions based around what newspaper they read. Newspaper readership has declined quite considerably but there are still some people who get their daily news from a printed medium. Again taking a calculated risk by sitting next to one of these is probably safer than taking pot luck.

If you believe that one of the readership characteristics sums you up too, you may wish to seek out another member of your tribe so you can silently bond with them.

There's an old saying about the characteristics of national newspaper readers, which originated in a Guardian diary piece in the 1980s. It's been modified and adapted ever since. It goes something like this:
• Times readers run the country
• Financial Times readers pay someone else to run the country
• Telegraph readers think they run the country
• Guardian readers wish they ran the country
• Mirror readers would run the country once the revolution comes
• Mail readers think they know who should be running the country
• Express readers don't care who runs the country
• Sun readers don't give a damn who runs the country either as long as they have big tits

You could take this simplistic segmentation and use it as your guide, but below is a more rounded version.

The Sun reader
Probably a builder or electrician of some sort and typically aged between 20 and 30. Sun readers like a good puff up. It's important to smoke cigarettes, especially roll ups which they see as a service to the community. They're going to die younger than everyone else, thereby saving the state shed loads of dosh paying for their hip replacement, their old age pension and years of medication for high cholesterol. In fact, ciggies should be free given the overall cost saving to the country.

Sun readers don't actually read, well not more than a couple of sentences at a time anyway. But they do like pictures with captions underneath, or even better, some speech bubbles. They listen to Essex FM and watch Big Brother. They'd like to vote Conservative if Margaret Thatcher was still the leader because they believe in tanks and guns and defending our territory, even if it's somewhere they can't quite place on a map of the world. Trouble with the Cameron boy is he's too upper class, never had a proper job and he's a bit gay - certainly couldn't defend himself if it all kicked off. Mind you Miliband and Clegg are the same, can't put a fag paper between the lot of them.

The Daily Star reader
In essence the average Daily Star reader is an über Sun reader. They like everything The Sun provides but with knobs on. Well nipples actually. They appreciate more boobs, more gossip, more celebrities and more footie but only if it's in picture form. They're not interested in politics, world affairs or the global debt crisis as long as they have enough change for a pint.

The Daily Telegraph reader
A couple of decades ago, The Daily Telegraph reader would have worn a bowler hat as well as carrying his favourite newspaper carefully folded under his arm. Even today they'll be dapper with a pin stripe suit and thinning hair. They've always voted Tory and will continue to do so until their dying day. They favour grammar schools, and the stockpiling of bombs that can be dropped on unruly countries. Their children go to private school and at weekends they wear mustard coloured corduroy trousers. They assume an air of authority and if there's an emergency on the train, they will take charge.

They like the Telegraph as they can check on the ups and downs of their investments each day. Just like any other gambler they believe they have an uncanny ability to back the winners in the stock market. Even so, the pension hasn't quite panned out as they hoped so they'll have to keep working a couple more decades yet.

The Times reader
People who read The Times believe they are sensible. Very sensible. And there's not enough sensibleness around. They have a sensible balanced view of the world and are sensibly tolerant and liberal with a heightened sense of community spirit. It's important to support the neighbourhood you live in and mix socially with all classes. This includes buying things from local shops and businesses wherever possible, doing your bit for ethnic minority charities in the county, sitting on the neighbourhood watch committee, picking up litter and recycling. Even so they wouldn't want their own kids going to a comprehensive school obviously, and private medical insurance is a must.

These readers earn a decent salary. They have to, if they can afford £5 a week to read The Times every day on top of horrendous season ticket prices. They feel a little bit uneasy about the articles by Caitlin Moran on Lady GaGa or child rearing, or the systematic destruction of the British restaurant industry by AA Gill, but it makes them feel edgy and up with the latest culture. Even if you're sensible you need to challenge yourself.

The Financial Times reader
The average Financial Times reader works in banking, investments or insurance and is only interested in money and not much else really. They can enjoy sex, booze and drugs like normal people, but it's nowhere near the high of making loads and loads of money. It's fascinating to watch the markets rise and fall and the crash in the banking sector has been an incredible journey. Cuts in personal bonuses was a wake up call to be honest and a bit of a blow but it just proves that you can cut your cloth for a year if you have to. Thank God Boris is mayor and the new batch of cabinet and shadow cabinet boys all come from the private school system and Oxford. They understand.

The Daily Mail reader
The Daily Mail is the queen of drama queens, its headlines don't shout they SCREAM. No wonder it's printed in black and white, for no grey ever exists in its editorial stance. Daily Mail readers live in a world where illegal and legal immigrants have robbed the potentially hardworking of their jobs, stolen our state benefits, nicked all the social housing and generally spread deadly contagious diseases and eroded our culture and heritage. In fact practically all of them live in palatial town houses in Kensington, paid out of our very own pockets, with twelve children and two wives while claiming invalidity benefit and not being able to speak a word of English. Daily Mail readers don't really like gay people either. They don't mind them wandering around disguised as normal members of the public, but they don't believe they should be flaunting it and having civil ceremonies and all that. Not natural. Hitler understood all these things before he went insane, but it's not wise to mention this out loud.

The Daily Mirror reader
Daily Mirror readers tend to be over 60 and warm to articles that hark back to the good old days, when we had a manufacturing industry and food was clearly English and didn't contain garlic or chilli. They're old fashioned Labour voters personified by Dennis Skinner MP, the famed Beast of Bolsover. They'll probably come from ooop North, drink real beer and eat pork scratchings (or pork eye 'oles, ear'oles and arse'oles as my Mum calls them). They'll have a job that doesn't involve the use of new fangled technology such as smart phones, the internet or e-mail. Can't be doing with it. Their attitude is one of rolled up sleeves and getting to the point - none of this namby pamby new labour stuff with young metro types like Tony Blair and the Miliband brothers who clearly wear male deodorant. Positive discrimination and women MPs? Whats going on? Jesus only had male disciples and it was good enough for him. When the news is too depressingly modern, you can find them buried in the puzzle page, struggling to complete the easy soduku.

The Guardian reader
The Guardian used to be called the Grauniad, due to its high number of spelling mistakes, but they sem to have sroted that out now. Most likely to be read by a teacher or social worker or maybe a charity employee, which is just well because spelling isn't their strong point either. They like a skinny latte and are partial to wearing sandals even in the winter. The male of the species don't shave their facial hair, the female of the species have no apparent interest in shaving their legs. As well as a quick catch up on the news they'll often read something soporific and intellectually boring on the train, like Chekhov or Bill Bryson. They listen to Radio 3 and are interested in world culture and foreign affairs. They used to vote Lib Dem, but the coalition and velcro Clegg has left them disillusioned and without a political party. Also the attraction of the Lib Dems is that they'd never be in power. Now they are, it's taken the shine off.

The i reader
No one has ever seen a commuter reading this newspaper.

Metro reader
The Metro newspaper has far less stories than the other dailies and no particular political angle or point of view. In fact it doesn't really have a voice or personality. The paper is thin and the pictures aren't very good either. There's something depressing and utilitarian about the whole publication, as if it's been produced for a Soviet bloc country in the 1960s. Readers don't care about any of this, they just want a quick snapshot of the day's news without the hindrance of good design, photography, writing or innovative investigative journalism. You'll see dozens of copies strewn on every tube, metro and commuter train each morning. That's because like a very ordinary and rather squnity girlfriend, you don't mind snuggling up close in private and in the dark but wouldn't want to take her home - she's just a little bit too embarrassing. Still, it's free and Metro readers don't want to have to think about anything difficult or controversial first thing in the morning, especially when they have a fight on their hands with Brenda the team leader as soon as they get in to work. But mostly they don't want to fork out 25p every day.