The Commuter Survival Guide

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Beechams is the man who gets on the train with a cold and proceeds to sneeze and sniff throughout the journey without the aid of a tissue or handkerchief. Train carriages are just slightly less efficient carrier of diseases than a hypodermic syringe or sexual intercourse. If you knowingly passed on AIDS or a killer virus through the judicious use of a primed Soviet umbrella you would be arrested and go to jail. If you can get an extradition order that is. His criminal act of sneezing and sniffing should therefore be punished by a prison sentence. This man will infect dozens of people that morning and they'll fall ill due to his negligence and the failure to carry an old fashioned hankie. He should wear one of those white mask things like they do in the Far East - very civilised and incredibly polite.

How to spot Beechams
His nose will be red and his eyes will be runny. Because he's slept so badly and he's knackered he hasn't had a chance to wash his hair which is as greasy as margarine. You'll be able to vividly hear his nasal fluids and the sound of phlegm travelling up and down his throat or nasal passage. If he also has a loud, deep hacking cough, this will alert you to where the rest of the phlegm in his body appears to be deposited.

Survival tips
Don't even sit in the same carriage, unless you have some desperately tough things to do at work over the next few days and fancy going on a sickie. Alternatively if you're forced to sit next to Beechams, blatantly offer him a tissue or cover your own nose and mouth with a scarf or your hand so as not to breath anything in. Don't forget also, that any water droplets from his sneezing and coughing that fall onto a train seat or table will remain infectious for a number of hours.