VERY VERY COOL STUFF uncontrollable laughter is career suicide japanese football with binoculars booze and flip flops don't mix "gap yah" video ignore consumers at your peril overheard gossip on the tube people of Wal-Mart how Google works	BEST UK BLOG: this video shows beyond doubt why Roger Federer is SO cool
BEST UK BLOG: Kylie with teddy bear and microphone - what could be more innocent?	I appear to have cut my penis off the joy of (elderly) sex the great class divide cheeky vimtos replaced by hand gel the elasticated waistband brigade a pizza p*ss John and  Cath buy some cheese
A real man is a woman's best friend. He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day. He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret. He will let her express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires. He will will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.  No wait . . . hold on . . . I'm thinking of wine. It’s wine that does all that . . . Carry on as you were.	BEST UK BLOG: order The Moaning Cow's new book from Amazon
BEST UK BLOG: "house special please"	naked bums on seats tits and tinsel dominate Amy's week back to turkey twizzlers the face cloth story why don't famous people live in Liverpool?
beware the killer tea cosy camilla - the original charlie's angel how to sell a footballer's wife pig in a poke I'm just a teenage dirtbag baby	BEST UK BLOG: "panda sneezing" is old, but still very funny
BEST UK BLOG: visit The Moaning Cow youtube site showing the best tv ads in the world	can you feel it coming in the air tonight? love it or hate it curiosity killed the cat Barclays 'big' that was stupid Guinness dancing man
why I hate. . . call centres religion Heston Blumenthal McDonalds school uniforms political correctness	BEST UK BLOG: Putin out and about with his big rod - gay as a picnic basket
BEST UK BLOG: be careful out there	why the Cilla Black of marketing has passed its 'sell by' date
has anyone ever killed two birds with one stone? why is there only one monopolies commission? since bread is square, why is sandwich meat round? if pizzas are round why are pizza boxes square? why is it that people say they slept like a baby when babies wake every two hours?	BEST UK BLOG: Simon Cowell sporting the latest lego haircut

UK BEST BLOG: Delia is a gangstarrr Ali G hand signals hit Norwich Don’t go visit Delia (or Bernard Matthews for that matter) – is too dangerous in notorious Norwich. Police have warned about gang culturrre in the East Anglian hotspot, with a checklist on their website to tell if someone is a gangstarrr. If they 1) listen to rap music 2) doodle in school books 3) use Facebook or similarrr and 4) make Ali G type hand signals, they are definitely in a gang. Another tell tale sign is making new friends or show’n allegiance to a postcode. What? How do you know they’ve an allegiance to a postcode? A tattoo perhaps? Delia could be in a gang. She’s certainly good at gangstarrr rap (“lezzz be avin you”) and probably has tattoo of ‘er postcode secreted on her body somewhere. At least that way, next time she gets pissed at a football match her mates can just prop her up against a postbox and Royal Mail will carry her home. DELIA’S “LET’S BE AVIN YOU” GANGSTER RAP

BEST UK BLOG: my wife knows everything the wife doesn't know  Poor old Larry Collmus thought he would turn up to work and have a normal day commentating on a horse race at a New Jersey racetrack. He did notice there were two horses with similar themes to their names in the seventh race, but didn’t think it would be a problem. In the end the final furlong sounded like a brilliant Two Ronnies tongue twister sketch. The closely fought race between the horse named "My wife nos evrything" and its rival "The wife doesn’t know", ended up sounding like a bizarre domestic argument. Larry did his best sounding like a confused husband until at the finish he exclaimed: "My wife nos evrything more than The wife doesn’t know. Whew!" LISTEN TO LARRY

BEST UK BLOG: he looks like he should be sat in the corner crayoning something Blanche lives forever  Everyone knows that Coronation Street is the best ever soap by far on the telly. By far. EVER. EVER. An impressive roll call of actors over the years – Ben Kingsley, Sir Ian McKellen, Honor Blackman, Patricia Routledge, Prunella Scales and now Nigel Havers. Sir Laurence Olivier was desperate to appear in his favourite programme but couldn’t get it scheduled. Then there are the extras such as Cliff Richard and Robbie Williams and of course Ken Barlow (OK maybe classifying Ken as an actor or an extra is going a bit far). The lines are so good and so hidden you almost can’t believe they said it – like Gail of her murderous husband: “Norman Bates with a suitcase”. Or Blanche on Roy: “He looks like he should be sat in the corner crayoning something”. Or Carla when she was asked if she wanted a few drinks with the girls in the factory: “Do I look like I have ugly mates?”. And now . . . the stage version. Corrie is about to open in the West End with a play that squeezes all 7,400 episodes into two hours.  You don’t get that with Eastenders, Rickaaaaaaaay. FOLLOW NORRIS ON TWITTER

BEST UK BLOG: steer well clear (literally) two Swedish sisters? forget it lads  this is the most bizarre piece of news footage I have ever seen. Two Swedish sisters determined to kill themselves (maybe) by running into heavy traffic on the M6 motorway and all captured on film by police. The incident occured two years ago, but was covered in a documentary by the BBC this week, after one of the sisters went on to stab a man to death. Why? The video doesn't feature blood and guts but none the less it's disturbing. SWEDISH GIRLS ON M6 MOTORWAY

BEST UK BLOG: who's going to break the news to Ratty and Toad? road kill and fill  Poor old badger got run over on the A338 on the way to Downton on the Hampshire-Wiltshire border. A week later workmen from Amey arrived to paint white lines and left a gap for badgie because they said it was not their responsibility to move him - they are not trained or licensed to do that sort of thing, it is the job of the council to remove road kill. So naturally enough, the council will turn up and get a trained disposer of carcasses to ceremoniously remove badgie. Meanwhile, the contractor will return a few days later and paint the missing lines in. It is obviously a time of great austerity in the road maintenance world. ROADKILL MENU

BEST UK BLOG: no sweaty udders yet hot snuff  Finland is home to the World wife carrying championships and the now famous world suana endurance championships. There are usually 1,000 spectators to the latter, but what exactly do they watch? The action (if you could call it that) is inside a suana with steamed up windows and the competition lasts just over three minutes. Nearly as interesting as watching golf. The normal temperature of a sauna is 70ºC, which is pretty hot for me as I get all sweaty and itchy and then fidgety and have to jump in some water pretty sharpish to cool off me udders. But the hundred or so contestants of the sauna championships have to endure temperatures of 110ºC (230ºf). Apparently if there is enough sweat in your hair, the water can actually boil on the top of your head. Not that you can see that as a spectator obviously. It's a terrible tragedy this year, that the Russian guy, pictured here on the right in last year's championship died (he was in second place), and the winner was taken to hospital with terrible burns. Unfortunately, the crowd finally got something to watch ALJAZEERA SAUNA DEATH NEWS REPORT

BEST UK BLOG: two words, three sylables, television programme, book and a film two words, three syllables  Been watching that new Sherlock Holmes series with Benedict Cummerbund or whatever his name is, and the bloke from the office, who always looks slightly sad. I wasn’t sure if I was going to like it set in the 21st century, but it’s OK. My real point however, is that I was so pleased to see Una Stubbs. I’m glad she has a speaking part and isn’t expected to mime her way through it. Perhaps Lionel Blair might turn up later on as Moriarity. If you don’t understand this comment, you are not middle-aged. SHERLOCK HOLMES ON iPLAYER

BEST UK BLOG: land of the Kiera Knightleys you no eat wensleydale, lard arse  Japanese people are the healthiest in the world eating all that raw fish, plain rice, veggies and not consuming lard or dairy products like us Brits. When did you last see a roast potato and a wedge of wensleydale in a Japanese restaurant, eh? Just to prove it, they’re all slimmer than Kiera Knightley and have the highest life expectancy anywhere, with loads of centenarians still cycling to work and doing that tai chi stuff in the park. Except a mate has just returned from Tokyo saying he couldn’t believe how fat they all were, and now a number of quite elderly people have gone missing. The hunt is on. A 113 year old lady for example, is officially the oldest woman in Tokyo but no one has a clue where she is, even her daughter can’t remember seeing her for the last 50 years. Another person, Mr. Kato, was heralded as the oldest man in Tokyo at 111, but last month he was in fact found dead in bed and had been for 30 years, even though he had successfully been claiming social security money all that time. Can’t quite see it being a problem here though. If someone was still claiming state benefits in say, Tower Hamlets, at 110 years old, I think officials would cotton on. JAPANESE FOOTBALL WITH BINOCULARS (completely mad)

BEST UK BLOG: how I hate the Daily Mail the moral underground  I hate the Daily Mail. Really hate it. The thinly disguised campaign against anyone who isn’t English, white and middle class is awful. The shouty headlines exaggerate anything and everything, and it is explicitly designed to enhance the fear of crime, fear of disease, fear of government, fear of immigrants, fear of war . . . obviously I could go on about this for some time. But as usual, a picture is worth a thousand words, and some clever blokes (probably) came up with this map of The Daily Mail and its secret formula for selling papers. Brilliant. SEE THE FULL MORAL UNDERGROUND MAP

BEST UK BLOG: proud of the shit - prefix no sign of Shitterton  Dorset residents are so fed up with visitors stealing their village sign, they have clubbed together to buy a concrete one to be proudly placed on top of the hill in Shitterton. This isn't the only place in Britain to proudly wear the Shit – prefix. There is also Shittlehope and Shitlington Crags, but Shitterton is the only one to be firmly named after poo. Apparently the name is derived from a river called Shiter - "a brook used as a privy". There is a very clean stream that now runs through the village, but I guess that wasn’t always the case, hence the name. There is also a street in Lincolnshire called Fanny Hands Lane. Residents there, say they’re sick of having their road sign pinched too. As it turns out it’s not a description. The street is named after a woman who was actually called Fanny Hands. If you’re interested, there's a Butthole Road, that’s not named after someone’s arse but a bore hole for water. Also Lickey End in Worcestershire with a Bell End just five miles up the road. A Nob End near Bolton (enough said) and there’s a Twatt in the Orkneys. Puerile but somehow satisfying. WEIRD PLACE NAMES

BEST UK BLOG: plymouth councillor hard at work talking of fannies Plymouth councillors spent taxpayers’ money on a fact finding mission to a pole dancing club, and it wasn’t to get to know the local Eastern European dance moves. I’d love to be in the meeting where they discussed such sex venues, and decided that it would be essential to visit said clubs to make a more informed decision on local licensing laws. You could just about understand one or two limp members, sheepishly going under cover to give a report back to the council, but they don’t do things by half in Plymouth. Thirteen officials visited Temptations 2 during prime pole time. Probably had clip boards to take notes and only drank fizzy water so they didn’t miss anything. They refused to say how much all this cost, but they did say it was extremely worthwhile. I bet it was. I wondered how many of the councilors were women? PLYMOUTH COUNCIL

BEST UK BLOG: Jane Hill outs herself as an Abba fan (but also lives with Sara and dog Mavis) women wobble over sexual preferences Psychologists have just completed an exhaustive ten year study examining women’s sexuality. Previously it was thought that us girls decided whether we preferred the opposite or same sex (or maybe both) before our 20s, and then stuck to that preference for the rest of our lives. It concludes instead that women’s sexual orientation is fairly settled but becomes more fluid and relaxed with age. Peer reviewed journals and esteemed scientists have debated the issue. Obviously The Sun newspaper has picked up the story, and in a wonderful piece of over-simplification of what was probably a 200 page report, used the headline “women in their thirties go lesbo”. As a clinical synopsis it’s possibly not what the American Psychological Association had in mind. PINK NEWS

BEST UK BLOG: distressed furniture achieved on one's gap yah shabby chic And over to Sloane Square for a drinky celebration to commiserate with someone reaching their next birthday. Well, it's not Hackney that's for sure. It seems incredible that local residents buy hand-made furniture that has been purposely aged. Yes, aged. You can buy it in gorgeous little shops which don't have tacky price tags and their doors are closed, (I actually think they're open really, but you need a written appointment to go in.) Apparently they do some arty things to make garden chairs look like they've got a bit stressed (I'm told that is the correct terminology). Must be a job creation scheme for the well spoken youngest child that's just come back from their gap yah, and got a few months before they go to Oxford. If you come from the more fiscally challenged areas of London, people generally leave their garden chairs in the back yard for a few days by accident, because an unplanned drinking session spilled over from the kitchen and everyone was too drunk to rembember to bring them back in. Voila! Aged without the price tag and you've achieved a level of stress too. Also, if you are keen on beautifully shaped rocks and sanded down driftwood and you've just won the EuroMillions, pop over to Sloane Sqaure immediately. There's a huge selection. GAP YAH VIDEO

BEST UK BLOG: I've never voted Tory before proportional representation Now the budget is out of the way and swathes of agencies and public sector bodies have been given their marching orders or at least told to cut down on luxuries such as first class travel and nurses, the CamClegg brothers will have to have a look at PR. I am not quite sure how this works in practice, but if you use the World Cup as an example, I think it means that even though Italy had the least points in their group and technically came last, they actually scored more goals than Slovakia. If we use the CamClegg formula, they would in fact be through to the next round and the Slovakia team would be on the plane home. Makes sense to me.   MYNICKCLEGG.COM _________________________________________________________________________________

BEST UK BLOG: effen on a plane effen vodka, anyone? I hadn't heard of Effen Vodka before. I've never been that keen on brands that make a play on rude words, like FCUK. Not sure why, but thought it was a bit common actually. But for some reason I quite like the use of Effen. Going to a bar and saying "can I have one of your finest effen vodkas my man", appeals to my childest sense of humour. It's a company based in Holland, which means they thoughtfully include a Dutch cap. WELCOME TO EFFEN VODKA

BEST UK BLOG: a prick in the uplands trouserless rambling A nudey campsite manager, Heinz Ludwig, has announced he aims to establish Germany's first official naked ramblers' footpath. It’s 11 miles long and fully clothed ramblers would be free to use the path too. As we all know, it would attract naturists to the Wippra area which is in the central German mountain range. Heinz says “it’s a secluded area away from traffic, but is very overgrown in places". He wants to open the trail in May, but he will need some funding to get it cleared. Well, you wouldn't want to get a prick in the uplands when you weren't expecting it, would you? THE NUDE HIKER BLOG